Brash, Dramatic and Outspoken

Nice guys finish...

Last Saturday I went to the wedding of a former student. The groom, J, was a young man who took at least 3, maybe 4 years of French. He was rotten at French, but I was so grateful that he stuck around. I enjoyed the frequent contact because J was one of those truly nice guys who finish last. At least for a while. 

In high school, girls loved J, as a friend. Always as a friend. He was there with his broad shoulders and sweet comments for them to cry to when their boyfriends treated them badly. When he did succeed in convincing a girl that he could be more than a friend, he got used and abused. It was heart-breaking to watch. I prayed that the sweetness wouldn't be mangled out of him by silly little high school girls who didn't know a good thing when they had it. I didn't want to see him become hard, callous and out of touch with his feelings, because he was the opposite of all that macho posturing that is the norm for high school boys. 

Morning after morning in my classroom, he'd agonize about whether he would meet someone who could love him for himself. Morning after morning, I'd tell him to wait, just wait, until after high school. He was beyond the emotional IQ of these girls.

He waited. I'm not sure he waited patiently, but he waited. And after he graduated, J met D, also a former student of mine. I don't know D very well. She's quiet, and seems wise for her age. She had health problems, which I think causes a person to grow up more quickly and to appreciate people more. Especially the nice guys.

The two of them have been through a lot. J came to see me just after he and D started dating. His eyes were shining and he looked so happy. I couldn't resist a quiet, "I told you so." He agreed. Every once in a while he'd email me for advice or just as a sounding board. He expected me to oppose their marriage when he told me about it a couple of years ago. On principle, I don't approve of people getting married so young, but I couldn't find any opposition in me, only happiness. I told him that he and D should trust their instincts.

On Saturday, the fairy tale came true for them. J looked so handsome in his tux. And D was just radiant in a simple strapless beaded dress adorned with a green ribbon at the waist. I got to hug J just briefly at the reception. I might have uttered another "I told you so." I watched J and his bride dance, and I wondered if this is some small part of what it feels like, to have a son. To rejoice in his happiness, to remember his past, to pray for his future.   

Thanks for letting me in, J. It's been a lovely ride.

Getaway

We took a tiny little vacation last weekend (Saturday - Monday) in Ann Arbor. It's not far away, but we had a great time. Lots of biking, some kayaking and good food. Thank goodness the weather was beautiful and not all hot and humid like this weekend.

This is my Scapblog of our trip.

Progress Report

And the preparations continue. I've swallowed my pride (oh so many issues around this) and talked to many people about our finances. We're in a good place, thanks to good advice. It'd still be fabulous if the house would sell, but we'll be okay either way.

We're starting to make boxes that say "take to EDS" and I've gone so far as to draw out the apartment in Cambridge on graph paper and make little graph paper furniture to place in it. That's right folks, I've jumped the shark in my anticipation. K isn't much better. Nightly we talk about whether we should take this piece of furniture or that one, and what we'll do with the rest. It's an exciting time, tinged with some sadness as we think about being apart for a while. (That's our building. There are 3 apartments in it.)

There's sadness too about leaving the friends who are my family here. It will be a blow not to have regular face to face contact with those who have been with me on this journey so far.

In other news, I'm continuing the strength training and I am beyond thrilled with how I feel. Tuesday I rode my bike to work, but haven't biked since because of the heat. I might be a rock star, but not when it's 95 and humid. I may try a short ride today since I need to take my bike in for some accessories and some work.

I read this (Romans 9:25-26) during morning prayer the other day. “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people,’ and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’” “And in the very place where it was said to them, ‘You are not my people,’ there they shall be called children of the living God.”

Eugene Peterson interprets it like this in The Message,
I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies;
      I'll call the unloved and make them beloved.
   In the place where they yelled out, "You're nobody!"
      they're calling you "God's living children."

As Lambeth continues and the rhetoric heats up again in the Anglican Communion, I like to remember that God calls those who have been rejected. 

Jim Naughton at the Episcopal Cafe has a great article up today about the press and Lambeth.

Check out these links for more on Lambeth.
Video of +Gene's sermon
+Gene's blog
Ruth Gledhill's blog
"Blogging Bishops"
Lambeth home

"For love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave"

From this morning's canticle. This speaks to me of God, of my journey to be more Christ-like, of my relationship with K and the glimpses of this love that I see every day in my friends, my family of choice, my stepkids.

How ironic that my relationships with all those that I love seem to be deepening just now, when I'm about to leave them. I refuse to barricade myself against that inevitable pain. As the Indigo Girls say in one of my favorite songs, "We're better off for all that we let in."

Other things are blossoming in my new life-with-space this summer. I started a program of strength training. I have always gotten a physical high from lifting weights and this time, it's more intense than ever before. I am aware of my body, my health, and my strength. It's unfamiliar to me. I am riding my new bicycle a lot. Today, I rode to my massage appointment and then to Holy Comfort. The trip totaled 8 miles through the city and when I arrived at Holy Comfort, I felt invincible.

It's quite a shift in my mind, from thinking that I can't do physical things to thinking that I can.

You know what white space is, in graphic design? It's empty space on a page, space that doesn't need to be filled, that allows your eye to rest. I believe that these interesting transformations are all brought about by the fact that I have more white space in my life. It's nice, really, since previous transformation times for me have been in the midst of turmoil in my life.

How have transformations happened in your life?

Best 4th EVER!

The fourth of July is not my favorite holiday, not by a long shot. I'm not really a summer person, don't like heat, don't like crowds, not a fan of watermelon. Yesterday, however, was one of the best holidays I can ever remember. When we started talking about what we wanted to do, K really wanted to go biking. I demurred, since we didn't really have a decent bike for me. Then she suggested going to buy me one, which just about shocked me out of my shorts. So we went to Dick's (oh SOOOO many jokes in that statement) since all the bike shops were closed. Wonder of wonders, there was a guy there who really knew what he was doing. He helped me pick out a decent, but not expensive bike and then got it all fitted and checked out. I rode it home from the store, and couldn't believe how comfortable it is and how much fun I had riding it.

We got all three bikes out (me, K and her daughter J), went to a metropark and rode a few miles on the bike trails. It is clear that I've never been an outdoors girl when I say that bike trails are a new thing to me. Bike trails are where one just rides for enjoyment, not to get anywhere. Bike trails are paved, marked, easy and safe to ride on. Bike trails are scenic. Who knew? Who has been keeping all this wonderful stuff from me? I am still amazed that I can DO things. It seems that there is a 300 pound girl still hiding somewhere inside me. But I digress.

When we came home, I grilled steaks and made mashed potatoes and was soundly praised by all for my efforts. I had certainly forgotten how much I like red meat. YUM! Finally, the four of us (me, K, K's daughter J and her ex-bf who is gay) played games. We haven't done that in forever and we had a great time. Truly, a perfect fourth, which is shaping up into a perfect weekend.

Today we went back to the and tried some other bike trails. Just heaven. Then we came home, tinkered with the bikes and made dinner, including leftover mashed potatoes.

It doesn't hurt that our weather could not be more perfect right now. Happy holiday weekend everyone!

Friday Five - 4th of July

A 4th of July Friday Five from the RevGals.

1. Barbeques or picnics (or are they essentially the same thing?)

Whatever it is, food should be grilled. Is the use of a grill what defines a barbecue? Or is the transportation of food what defines a picnic? Charcoal is preferred. Today we grilled wonderful steaks from our local meat market.

2. The park/ the lake/ the beach or staying at home simply being?

On the Fourth? Until this year, I would have said stay at home. But today we went to a park and road all over some of the bike trails. It's one of the best outdoor days I can remember.

3. Fireworks- love 'em or hate 'em?

Love, love, love them live. Can't wait to see Boston's in person next year, after years of watching them on TV.

4. Parades- have you ever taken part- share a memory...

I was in marching band in high school. So yeah, I've been in parades, but not on the Fourth, I don't think.

5. Time for a musical interlude- if you could sum up holidays in a piece of music what would it be?

Fourth of July music for me is J.P. Sousa's Stars and Stripes Forever. I loved playing it when I was a teenager and I love hearing it now. (I think my family would appreciate it if I didn't hum the bassoon part all through the thing, though.)

New purchases

I just bought this bike! I know it's atrociously girly, but trust me, this light blue is better than the other color, which is bright pink. I tried some men's bikes, but it is a lot easier to get on and off a woman's bike than a man's.

We were budgeting for this, because I knew that I'd want one for the move. Sometimes the walk from EDS to Harvard Square gets a little long. This isn't the Rolls Royce of comfort bikes, but it should be durable enough to get me around Cambridge, and it's unbelievably comfy.

In other news of wardrobe and budget, we've been looking for a decent trench coat for me for months. Finally found this one in khaki at Banana Republic for $75.

In which I finally explain the title

I started this blog in 2005, importing some older posts from a Blogger site. I never explained the title, though.

When I began The Process (of becoming a priest) in the Episcopal Church, a lot happened. In our diocese, you begin with a parish discernment committee of people who know you well and who help you discern if you're really called. My parish committee did an excellent job of helping me to see that it was only my fear holding me back from hearing God's call to the priesthood and not the diaconate. Big step.

Then there's a vocations committee made up of one person from your parish committee and others from the area. There are usually some clergy and some lay folks. I met with them about five times. The job of this committee was to recommend me (or not) for the next step which is the Bishop's advisory committee (BACAM) and takes place over a whole weekend. Are you getting all this?

So my vocations committee had all sorts of questions to ask and it was led by a wonderful priest who is very experienced in the process and the priesthood. She was fabulous! I was nervous at our first meeting, but adjusted my attitude and decided to stop trying to second guess everything. Subsequent meetings went very well. The chairperson sorta gave the whole shebang away at our third meeting when she began a sentence with "When you go to BACAM..." Another big step.

The vocations committee writes a very important report that tells whether or not an aspirant (that's the first step in The Process) should go to BACAM and why. My committee wrote a hell of a report. They really seemed to "get" me and identified strengths and weaknesses very specifically.

The worst thing they had to say about me was the following, "At first, Marie can be somewhat intimidating. She comes across as brash, dramatic and outspoken." They went on to say that as they got to know me, they discovered that I was articulate and easy to get along with. I took the comment to heart and since then I've tried to pay attention to whether I'm coming across too strong. But honestly, my first reaction was, "You say that like it's a bad thing." And my second was, "I should get a t-shirt." Anyway, when I created this blog, what stuck in my head was loud, brash and dramatic, which is kind of funny, because people always accuse me of being loud. Which I am. But I like the actual quote better, so when I discovered my mistake, that's what I named the blog.

One step at a time

Preparations for my leaving continue. Last night, K and I tried to lay out what furniture I'm taking to Cambridge and where it will go in our tiny apartment. Since it's up a narrow flight of stairs, complete with a turn, we're trying to take things that are sure to be easy to move. Today, I talked with my rector at Holy Comfort about my replacement. She'll be making those decisions soon. I even spent some time laying out the next few months of my job on a calendar, making it ready for whoever comes next. I had lunch with our senior warden, who's also a friend I've known for years. We'll do that a few more times before I go.

Honestly, it's hard to believe that it's really happening. As early as a couple of years ago, I was telling people that I'm not a risk-taker, that I need my security and a regular paycheck. I am somewhat stunned that it's all coming to pass. My co-workers at the high school said how courageous I was to give up a good job to make this change. I have to say, I haven't felt courageous. I've felt tentative, as if I'm walking through some muddy, overgrown rainforest. I've had glimpses of breathtaking beauty to keep me going. (Wow! Look at that! It's a bird of paradise!) Mostly, though, it's been sort of one foot in front of the other, penlight in hand, barely seeing the way for the next step.

What's your journey been like lately?

I'm so proud

In case haven't said it before, you should immediately buy and watch "For the Bible Tells Me So", an excellent documentary about Christian families struggling with their faith and their gay children. Gene Robinson's is probably the most high-profile family portrayed in the film and he was instrumental in getting it made.

I'm watching a repeat of the GLAAD media awards, and For the Bible Tells Me So won best documentary. Gene Robinson and Dan Karlslake (the director) accepted the award together. How many times have I said that I love Gene Robinson? No matter, I'm sure there will be many more.