Brash, Dramatic and Outspoken

Spiritual direction

"I'm not worried about being homeless," she said, and I believed her. "What worries me is being out of communication, because I can't get a job without phone and email."

"I have a place for the dog," she said, "because it's not fair to her to be homeless with me and there are plenty of people willing to take her in. I can't be sure she'll be fed regularly, but they can."

"I don't even have enough money to buy toilet paper. So how am I supposed to get $89 to get fingerprinted?" she asked, reasonably. "But now I have $60 and the day's not over."

"Tell me about you and God as you deal with all this," I said, thinking that I must ask and yet feeling somehow extraneous, almost trivial. "God's right there," she answers with a conviction that I envy with every cell of my being.

"This is for you," she said with a smile. "I remember that you and I had a conversation one time about some religious symbol that neither of us understood, so I wanted to give you this." It's a book called Symbols of the Church. It's amazingly useful and like nothing I have. It is precious to me already. Far more precious is the gift I've had for the last 2 years,  the gift of her presence in my life, of her willingness to allow me to journey with her.

Matters of earth-shaking importance

First, get some Kleenex and see the movie P.S. I Love You. K and I watched it last night. It brought up a lot of good conversation about our impending separation. I love her more every moment of every day. It's not every woman who would hang in through the craziness of the Process and the related saga.

Second, I'm growing my hair. It's driving me completely crazy and I can't remember any more why I thought this was a good idea. I'm so frustrated with the whole mess that I made an appointment to get it cut short again this week. Then I went to church today and got a ton of compliments. Everyone liked the new glasses too. Here's a pic. Take a vote, people.

I wasn't expecting this

I came home today to this. I know I've been talking about it for forever. I know I've been impatient to get the house on the market. I know that people give up far more than this to do far nobler things. But this stung in a way I hadn't expected. I guess I can just add it to the pile of things I'm grieving. 

Signs of growth

So, I used to hate to pray aloud and extemporaneously. I come from many "Jesus wejus" traditions and I want to avoid those kinds of prayers at all costs. I know that there is a structure to the beautiful prayers and collects in the BCP, but I haven't internalized it yet. So I used to avoid extemporaneous prayer.

The point, dear ones, is that I am changing that pattern. I end all my direction sessions with prayer now. I even volunteer to pray at gatherings occasionally. I do not think I will ever be as good as our priest at coming up with blessings (Can you pray for my dog who's having surgery?) on the spur of the moment, but I'm getting better.

Mostly, I like the growth in myself that allows me to do something that I don't feel I'm good at (in front of other people, no less).

Worlds collide

Two of my worlds have collided in a most unexpected way. Last week, my friend S. and I planned to go shopping on Sunday. S is a young colleague at work who loves to shop and who is really good at picking out clothes for others. I find that a Most Useful Combination. I told her that we'd have to go after church and, on a whim, asked if she'd like to come with me. She accepted with more enthusiasm than I expected.

She LOVED Holy Comfort. LOVED it, I tell you. I managed not to be all weird during the service (no endless explaining). I just sat back and watched her experience it. And afterwards, she could not stop telling me how much she loved it. She loved that she didn't have to leave part of herself outside. She loved the mix of people. She couldn't believe that there really is a church where she can feel welcomed, along with her mind, her political beliefs and her whole life. She told everyone at our lunch about it. She told her friend G about it. I saw G last night when we went to a big Cinco de Mayo thing and she can't wait to come.

All this begs the question, why didn't I do this sooner?

On a somewhat related note, I'm preaching and leading worship on May 25 because our priest will be out of town. I think the 9 am will be Morning Prayer and the 10:45 will be our regular liturgy up through the liturgy of the word.

I am slightly nervous. Maybe more than slightly. I've never done both the preaching and the presiding. (Is it called presiding if there's no Eucharist?) It is possible that our music guy won't be there either. That will really freak me out because he totally knows the service and would pick up any pieces if I screwed up.

But I'm fine, really I am.

News!

In the ongoing saga of this crazy God-loving woman's life, there is news! The seminary choice has been made. In September I will be off to Episcopal Divinity School.  I cannot wait. The cloud on that horizon is that K won't be coming right away.

There are, however, some positives in that situation. Her son will get free tuition at the university where she works for his first year. She will have more time to job-hunt and we will have a home base in Cambridge. She will have a job that pays well until she moves.

OTOH, we will be apart and that will suck. She won't get to make that first acclimation with me. I am, shall we say, somewhat less balanced without her around.

We are planning to learn all about Skype.

Other things are on my mind and apparently there are enough of them to keep me awake tonight. Let's see...

Endometrial ablation. Probably going to do it. TMI? Sorry, but it's a pretty exciting event in my life.

Lost 3 pounds last week. 

Went shopping today with my friend S, the super bargain shopper of the universe. Got a Calvin Klein cocktail dress (my little black dress) for $17. Yep, $17. Originally $190. Got black patent leather high-heeled pumps for $18. That S, she rules. I will post pictures. After a few days of self-tanning lotion.

We decided to recarpet the basement. It's probably $800 well spent. Leo, the smallest of our cats, knocked a bottle of bleach down the basement stairs a couple of years ago. Our realtor told us just to give an allowance. We think, in this tight market, that the place needs to look perfect.

The new roof on our house had to be repaired. There was a leak. Happy? Nope. Able to get hold of the company that did the roof originally? Nope. If we had more time, we'd sue the bastards. As it is, we'll content ourselves with a call to the BBB.

The ceiling that suffered from the leak will be fixed tomorrow. The basement carpeting will be installed this week. The house will finally go on the market Friday. You may commence praying, or chanting, or sending good selling energy or all of the above.

Since the seminary decision is made, I feel a little more positive, a little more able to trust God about the rest of this.

J, K's daughter who's been living with us since October and who had been saying pitiful and guilt-inducing things like, "I guess I'll just be homeless," has finally accepted reality. She got a second job and is planning to move in with her friend B. I am relieved, and not just because it's a load off K's mind. You live with someone a while, you learn to love them even more. As my friend Suz says, "You can't love what you don't know." So I'm happy that she has something positive to look forward to.

Those of you who are saying, "I TOLD you everything would be okay" may not yet do the famous Grace Adler "told you so" dance. You must wait until the house sells. Then, my friends, we will all dance together. 

Two things

I have laryngitis. I love my new Bunn coffee maker. That is all.

Bullets of the spring youth gathering

• Quote from a skit about the prodigal son. Dad: "Where's all the money I gave you?" Prodigal son (played by short, adorable, chubby-cheeked 12 year old boy): "I spent it all on hot chicks."
• Quote from youth leader Ellen Elder-Joseph: "That looks like 'fartable'." (What the sign really said: "Registration at the FAR TABLE.")
• What I'll be doing tomorrow morning at 6:45: Waking girls up to get packed and ready for a 10 minute walk to the YMCA where they can go for an early-morning swim and...wait for it...take showers!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
• Best non-negotiable rule: "No purpling." (Boys are blue, girls are pink...). "And no double pinking or double blueing either." (I love that they're so inclusive.)
• Best prayer station: Write out your confession to God, pray, then shred it. The shredder jammed, so kids had to tear up their own confessions. Seemed more theologically sound anyway.
• Best adult participation: Song about how it feels to be the "other". To the tune of Gilligan's Island. Wrapped up with a verse of Amazing Grace. Sung to the tune of...wait for it...Gilligan's Island.
• Second best adult participation: Top 10 list of "Ways you know you're an immigrant."
• Tear-inducing moments: 2. Youth production of Godspell at UCC church across the street and walking the seniors "halfway home".
• What I'm learning about how to manage big life transitions
  • Enjoy the time with the people you love
  • Hug them a lot
  • Cry a lot
  • Laugh a lot
  • Eat lots of M & M's
  • Talk about all the silly and fun things you've done over the last few years
  • Say goodbye
  • Cry some more
  • (I plan on taking most of that advice over the next few weeks.)
• Number of new Facebook friends since I got home: 7
• Number of Facebook phots in which I was tagged: 2, so far

News and no news

Well, it's been awhile. Here's some of the latest.

• The realtor just left the house and she doens't seem nearly as pessimistic as I expected her to be. Of course, she hasn't checked comparable houses in the area yet, but we didn't scare her off with our minimum and she thought the house was neat, clean, ready to move into. She didn't see anything that she thought we needed to change or fix. I am amazed and pleased. K has been saying things aren't as bad as I thought. She gets to do the I-was-right dance for a while.
• We went to EDS over Spring Break. It was good even though the housing situation there is chaos. Still, all seems real these days. When I get my acceptance from both Bexley and EDS, I can sit down and talk to the bishop about where I can go. This needs to happen soon.
• K found out that she's not yet vested in her retirement plan at work. She thought she'd been there 12 years, but it's only 9. She won't hit 10 years until 3/31/09. This sucks in a MAJOR way because it means that I will go off to seminary alone, at least until April. That's a long time to be without her.
• I am so.not.motivated to be at school these days. And yet, the teaching, it goes well. Go figure.
• K is excited about the idea of living in Cambridge, and of moving. I think that her staying behind for a while will only make her more ready to be move when the time comes.
• Field ed is looking like a real possibility for the coming year. Which means that I won't work. Which means that someone better come across with some honkin' huge student loans.
• I am 42. Should I really be talking about student loans, application essays and filling out the FAFSA?
• Yeah, I should.
• I made a new friend. She rocks and she makes me laugh. Cool beans.

New Life in Lent

Oh my goodness. Three weeks of steadily climbing attendance. Great energy during the main service. I think I'm seeing a trend. Our new priest is great and the stability after this loooonnnng transition time sure feels good to folks, it seems. Life at Holy Comfort is good and improving. AND, we're covered up in babies. Of the 84 people at the 10:45 service, 4 were babes in arms and 4 or 5 more were toddlers. Sure bodes well for the future.

I led adult formation this morning and we had a lively and engaging discussion that ended up being about prayer. We have a new parishioner who's at Holy Comfort because she's just now in her life feeling some pull toward the Holy. She feels, she says, like a toddler, wobbling along with her arms out for balance. (She's a local newspaper columnist and has a great way with words.) She also said that she's pretty uncomfortable with the word God. So for now, she calls God Banana. She prays to Banana and she talks about Banana. Hysterical!

I love this place. I'm not looking forward to the leaving. Not.at.all.